Thursday, 25 September 2008

It could have been so different - part 2

Part 2 – The Meeting November 2003

The Treasury – the best minds in the country have been assembled to discuss house prices and lending practices. In the meeting are politicians, bankers, celebrities, intellectuals, economists, industrialists, business men and Ed Balls.

Gordon Brown – “OK. I’m getting on with the job. Let’s go round the table. Introduce yourselves and tell us what you think is going on. Why is a house price bubble being created and are bad lending practices causing this.”

“Hi my name is Ed Balls and house prices have risen so much because of the successful....”

GB – “Nice try Blinky – off you run, I’ll have fries with my burger. Get lost.”

“Hi my name is Professor Stephen Nickell chair of the National Housing and Planning advice unit. I think house prices will continue to rise until they are 10 times annual earnings”

GB – “Why is that?”

SN – “Because if you draw a straight line from where they were to where they are and then to where they will be you end up at 10 times”

GB – “Oh for crying out loud what sort of half wit explanation is that? What are you? a professor in trigonometry? Clear off. NEXT”

“Hi my name is Adam Applecart and I am Chief Executive of Northern Rock. There is no problem with lending. We lend 6 times applicant’s salary up to a maximum of 125% of the property. Oh and if they have a 25% deposit we won’t check their incomes – Guaranteed”

GB – “WHAT!! What sort of crazy lending is that! Why are you doing that?”

AA – “Well house prices have risen so much we have to lend more so that people can buy them. People don’t earn enough to buy even at 6 times so we let them make up their salary”

GB – “Look you baldy tw@t maybe house prices have risen so much because you keep lending more”

AA – “Hmm. I hadn’t thought of it like that”

GB – “And anyway where do you get all the money from to lend so much?”

AA – “Oh that’s the great bit we borrow the money from the Americans and lend it out at a profit.”

GB – “So what happens if and when the money from the Yanks runs out?”

AA – “Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that. You could always nationalise us”

GB – “NATIONALISE. Are you fcking mad! I am New Labour. The unions would butt fck me all the way to Tolpuddle and back chanting CLAUSE 4 at me. Oh for Fcks sake. Look when I was younger we had to beg our bank manager to lend us money, but you muppets are giving it away like toilet paper. Now that I have abolished boom and bust...”

Sniggers round the room

GB continues – “NOW THAT I HAVE ABOLISHED BOOM AND BUST I need you merchant bankers to start lending sensibly again”

Dennis Stevenson HBOS chairman “You can’t abolish boom and bust, any knobster knows that and anyway we have been lending sensibly”

Huge laughter in room

GB – “SENSIBLY! HBOS are the bunch of tools that started all of this with your poxy Birmingham Midshires self cert”

DS – “That was a few brokers only”

GB – “Few brokers only my ar$e. You guys can’t tell your ar$e from your elbow. You are all at it. You have been lending way too much money with too few checks to people who you have no idea if they can repay it. House prices have risen over 30% this last year and you bum boys have caused it all. Bloody Yvette Cooper wants to solve the housing crisis by letting people buy half a house. FFS have you ever heard anything so stupid. I want a ROLEX watch but I can’t afford it. Maybe I should buy half a ROLEX watch instead. GIVE ME STRENGTH”

Yvette Cooper – “House prices have risen so much because of the successful economy”

All –“FCK OFF”